Anger - LBC topic

Today's topic is anger, brought to us by the Old Fossil - Conrad. I make no apologies to anyone for my comments that follow - and be forewarned.  They are bitter and angry. They are me. If that bothers you, stop reading now.

I used to be a fairly pleasant guy.  That is no longer the case as I spend a good deal of my time angry.  Very angry. I am extremely bitter that the last 10 years and the remainder of Lynn's life have been stolen from her/us.  I am angry we will never have the chance to repair the damage done to our relationship by the evil that is HD. I am particularly angry her grandkids will only remember the raving, violent lunatic that dominates her waking hours lately. They won't remember the doting grandma she was. I am angry that our family - admittedly somewhat dysfunctional in the best of times may be permanently fractured because of HD. I am bitter there is a 50% chance each of our kids may have HD. I'm even more bitter that if either of the kids have HD there's the same 50% liklihood each of our 6 grandkids have HD.

Spare me the "when god closes a door he opens a window" saga.  If she/he opened a window for me it was to simply slam it down on my fingers just for giggles.  HD is not just a disease like cancer that decimates the body - HD destroys the essence of the individual - and does that early on, leaving a shell of what once was that person.  While it may have specifically different impacts on individuals, extreme anger and paranoia seem to be constants along with the destruction of human motor skills. So a once vibrant, attractive gymnast becomes a haggard old crone that screams, swears and yells abusive, vile  comments regularly at those with the challenge of caregiving.  The caregivers can become angry and disillusioned. 

She has no control over her bodily functions and is just as likely to try and kick/hit/bite the individual that tries to change her and clean her up as she is to be passive enough for that basic, necessary task to be accomplished. Nearly every door frame in the house is damaged due to the constant, repeated slamming of the doors.  There are door knob holes in every wall where there is a door.  They remain unrepaired until we move or her ordeal ends.  That is the day she dies. That may not be for another 10 years.

Trust me when I say I understand fully this is just the luck of the draw. I do not believe in any form of divine intervention in this matter.  In any way.  It's very difficult to think a so-called creator capable of the so-called intelligent design of the universe would spend the time to intelligently/intentionally design something as destructive as HD.  Or any of the myriad of fatal conditions/diseases.  Especially a so-called loving architect of all that is supposedly good and true.  I trust my use of the terms supposedly and so-called expresses my cynicism and sarcasm on the matter sufficiently.

There is a darkness in me only few know or have seen.  It is part of my natural makeup, a gift from the male sperm donor of half of my genetic makeup. That so few are aware of it is a testament to my ability to control it and keep it suppressed. Occasionally it bubbles up.  This commentary is a minor bubbling.  I am not looking for sympathy/pity - I am merely ranting a bit. As I've said - these are my cards, my hand in life and I am playing them to the best of my ability. I'm all in at this point. I just need to vent on occasion.

Check out what the other LBCers have to say on anger.  They're listed over there on the right.

LBC Topic - Letting Go

Long ago in a galaxy far, far away - well - not so far - Colorado to be exact - I learned to swim at a place we called The Steel Y.  You may ask why we called it that - the answer is quite simple, Colorado Fuel and Iron was a big deal in my home town - Pueblo. There was a time when companies  often provided things like recreational facilities for employees, their families and the community.  CFI provided a great facility  with a huge gym and if memory serves - an olympic sized pool. All this at a steel mill.  It was just as you'd find at any decent sized YMCA and so the calling it the Steel Y just made sense.

Strategically placed around said pool were large ropes hanging from the ceiling.  It is a little known fact that ropes thus configured are actually kid magnets. Like magic - the real stuff, no misdirection - a hanging rope - especially those near water - will have a line of kids waiting for a turn to swing out as far as possible on the rope and splash into the water.

Suddenly it's little (well - not really - little has literally never been a descriptor for me) Butchie Higgins' turn.  Now this particular rope was near the deeper end of the pool - 6-7 feet deep if memory serves.  You will recall I mentioned earlier that I was there to learn to swim.  You see the irony I hope in a swinging out to the deep end of the pool and not knowing how to swim.  Well fearless Butchie did - just as he was out over the water.  Self - he thought to himself - letting go here is not a good idea so lets sneak a return trip out of the one-way ticket that got me here.

So back toward the edge of the pool went Butchie - ignorant of the fact that the pendulum wanted to take him as far back passed the starting point as it had taken him out over the water. It was Butchie's first George of the Jungle moment -

only it was a wall and not a tree.  And yes - it did smart a bit but nowhere near as much as the guffaws and raucous laughter from the line of kids. 

Now Butchie was in a quandry - pride wounded, embarrassed and humiliated. What to do? Only thing to do was get back on the rope and do it again - only this time let go of the rope. Salvation and the return his rightly respected position in the local kid hierarchy would be his. So off he/I went to perform the heroic (stupid) feat of dropping into the deep end from the rope. To cheers of Go Butchie! he/I got up a head of steam and swung out over the pool - knowing full well that a second failure would decimate the remainder of his/my childhood and leave us sitting alone in my room forever as surely none of the guys would want to play guns or ball with such a failure. So at the peak of my flight over the water I twisted myself so that I was facing the edge of the pool from whence my stuck-on-dumb act began and I let go. I was free as a bird, falling through the air and into the water.  When my feet touched bottom, I let my legs bend and pushed myself toward the edge of the pool.  Shortly thereafter I was climbing out of the pool to cheers and backslaps all around, once again reclaiming my position in the kid hierarchy.

The moral of the story is actually quite simple -  letting go may not be the easy route but it's the smart one. Life's too short to worry about the past. Don't let yesterday take up too much of today (old Cherokee proverb). Or, if revenge is your motivator, just shoot the bastard and then let go and move on. Quickly.  To another state. Maybe another country. ;-)  Remember -

And what do my LBC cohorts think of today's topic??? Take a look - I know I will be - they're listed over there on the right.

A cool music list

My blogger friend Ramana has this interesting post  and from it I have learnt a little more about him. I decided to try my hand at this game and here goes. I found it interesting to do and I hope that some others will do too.

Thus was I challenged by Rummy - and I resopond here becauise at the moment I cannot access his website so here are the 30 queries and my responses - Rummy are there any here you guessed? Any surprises??? One change from my email to you as well.


1: A song you like with a color in the title Orange Skies - Love

2: A song you like with a number in the title: One - Three Dog Night

3: A song that reminds you of summertime: Summer in the City Lovin Spoonful

4: A song that reminds you of someone you would rather forget about: Don't You Write Her Off - McGuinn, Clark & Hillman

5: A song that needs to be played LOUD: Any Way You Want It Dave Clark Five written by my mate Ron Ryan

6: A song that makes you want to dance: Do You Wanna Dance - Beach Boys

7: A song to drive to: Taking Care of Business - Bachman Turner Overdrive

8: A song about drugs or alcohol: Mothers Little Helper Rolling Stones

9: A song that makes you happy Glad All Over Dave Clark Five

10: A song that makes you sad/: California Bloodlines - John Stewart

11: A song that you never get tired of I'll Feel a Whole Lot Better Byrds or Gene Clark

12: A song from your preteen years: Bernadine Pat Boone

13: One of your favorite 80’s songs: Africa Toto

14: A song that you would love played at your wedding Wedding Song Paul Stookey

15: A song that is a cover by another artist Positively 4th Street by Johnny Rivers

16: One of your favorite classical songs Canon in D - Pachelbel

17: A song that you would sing a duet with on karaoke Taxi by Harry Chapin

18: A song from the year that you were born Ghost Riders in the Sky Vaughn Monroe

19: A song that makes you think about life: Circle by Harry Chapin

20: A song that has many meanings to you Changing Changing Ed Ames

21: A favorite song with a person’s name in the title Denise - Randy and the Rainbows

22: A song that moves you forward: Changes in Attitudes Changes in Latitudes - Jimmy Buffet

23: A song that you think everybody should listen to Impossible Dream by Ed Ames

24: A song by a band you wish were still together: I Will The Beatles

25: A song by an artist no longer living: New Yorks Not My Home Jim Croce

26: A song that makes you want to fall in love How to Handle a Woman - Richard Harris (King Arthur)

27: A song that breaks your heart Tears in Heaven Eric Clapton

28: A song by an artist with a voice that you love: Softly as I Leave You - We Five & Bev Bivens

29: A song that you remember from your childhood: Ballad of Davy Crockett - Fess Parker

30: A song that reminds you of yourself Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For U2

My favorite vacation spot (LBC topic)

If ever a topic could render me speechless, or nearly so, oddly enough it is this one. In my 64 years, I have been on a grand total of 3 real vacations. The kind wherein you pack your bags and head off to a destination for a week or two of fun and frivolity, hiking, camping - whatever.

To celebrate our collective 40th birthdays my core group of HS friends celebrated by taking a cruise to the Caribbean.  It was a one week tour of the southern Caribbean via NCL. Our cruise ship was smallish - less than 1000 cruisers - and we quickly made ourselves known as "The Old Gang".  We set sail from San Juan Puerto Rico on a Sunday and returned there the following Saturday, after visiting Barbados, Martinique, Antigua, St Maarten, St Thomas and again San Juan. That's a lot of island hopping in a relatively;y short period of time, [packed with the obligatory sight seeing, scuba diving, shopping, drinking, more shopping, more drinking, and other on board festivities. It was on these shore based excursions that we became widely known as The Old Gang  and we were having off-the -charts fun, especially on the booze cruise in Antigua. You know the type - unlimited quantities of rum punch freely available.  Rope swinging off the boat into the water.  More drinking.  Upon our return to the cruise ship, all 9 of us descended upon Lynn and my cabin and began ordering rounds of  Corona.  We'd call room service for each successive round until we had a 10-ft. row of empty bottles in the hall against the wall..  Oh - and that was formal dinner night  too.

Upon exiting the room heading to the aforementioned formal dinner with tie askew, eyes glazed over and squinted tight and barely able to stand straight our porter - a tooth challenged Jamaican gent named Bailey - looked at me, grinned and said with his thick accent "I see we had a good time today sir". to which I replied his powers of observation were most astute. I'd been purchasing local rum from each island and upon taste-testing them, if not pleased I presented Bailey with the bottle. (we got excellent service BTW) I handed him his Antigua bottle - interestingly enough apparently my drinking history was so focused on Bacardi all others paled in comparison. I only later discovered the pleasures of Capt Morgan.  Ahem.  And the entire week we heard this song played over and over....

At any rate, the next day marked our return to San Juan and the end of the adventure.  Our flight home deposited us at SF airport Sunday and I was at work at 8AM on Monday.  Big mistake.

Other than that rip, my vacation time is usually taken over holiday weekends, giving myself -4 day weekends and travel has not been possible.  The last trip was to College Station Texas to meet the family and watch my niece Sammy play in a national softball tournament at which she blew away college teams (Sammy was a high school sophomore at the time).  Incidentally she graduates from college in a few weeks - leaving as her teams MVP and the school's female athlete of the year.  She got the pitching genes so coveted by guys like Fos and I. Those of you on Facebook can see Sammy and pics ofthat trip in my photos / And, perhaps not evident is the fact that Sammy is 6-ft. tall and drop-dead gorgeous.  She got my brothers size and her mom's looks - LOL

I do recall the typical driving vacations when I was a kid in Colorado and my fave of those had to be the one that took us to the spectacular views of Bryce Canyon/

And I now see that my natural propensity to extensive verbosity has generated  a long post about very little - LOL.  I will close by saying that I now vacation vicariously  with friends, a prime example being my great and good friends Dave & Pat Hitchcock.  Please check out my last vicarious trip via Patty's blog about the adventures on the MV Lillian Belle - it's listed over there under blogs I follow.  And while you're a it please check how my LBC pals spend their vacation time.  And I have 5 weeks of vacation yet to take this year.  Sigh.  If it's not one thing it's another.

LBC Topic - Out of sight, out of mind"

Is that so? Does out of sight necessarily mean out of mind? In this digital age I suspect nothing could be further from the truth.  Seems to me the texting generations almost prefer being out of sight - seems silly even to them to text a person you are sitting with. Usually.

In this age of instant access to news reports -right or wrong, stories appear almost as if there is an embedded reporter at every event - it should be impossible to ignore the troubles in the middle east and Africa.  Unless of course what goes on is not deemed newsworthy by the powers that be.  Africa seems to rank near the bottom of the newsworthy food chain - not enough oil to be concerned with maybe? Couldn't be color could it? What the hell - a few thousand starving kids in Africa and their despotic rulers don't impact us or anyone we deem important so we'll beat our breasts over Syria. We have an interest there.

When it comes to old friends the pendulum swings both ways - how many classmates from high school or earlier do you think about? Remember? I'm generally lucky that way although I honestly believe that out of sight these days to some is a relief.  They don't have to be placed in the uncomfortable position of dealing with or commenting about Lynn's condition. I get that.  People here in town avoid me because they simply don't know what to do or say. Frankly at times neither do I.   But I will be eternally grateful to the ones that stay in touch or manage to work in time for a visit whenever they can.

There are times when this old saw is good advice,.  There are times it is pure, unadulterated horse hockey. That's for you to decide. What you remember is up to you.

Check out what my other LBC pals have to say - they're listed over there on the right.

Names

This weeks LBC topic is NAMES.   I know y'all saw this one coming :)

My name (Chuck)  was a guilty pleasure when it came to the name game.  That was of course before "in your face" became the norm. My actual name - Charles - From the Germanic name Karl, which was derived from a Germanic word which meant "man". However, an alternative theory states that it is derived from the common Germanic element hari meaning "army, warrior". Cool.  Warrior.  Better than shy ex-jock - LOL.

Every name has a story behind it.  I like nicknames and their history - take mine - Bubba.  Now the uninitiated may assume that since I live in Texas - part of the south - that Bubba is a common regional nickname - and somewhat natural.  Not so in my case.  I was born in Colorado and raised in Colorado and Northern California.  I was first called Bubba by my little sister when she had trouble with the word brother.  Bubba stuck with me when my younger (I have not been allowed to call him little since he surpassed me in height) brother came along and to this day that is all they call me.  My 5 nieces from their families call me Uncle Bubba as do some very close friends' kids.  Only one person calls me Charlie (and lives to tell about it) and one old friend calls me Chas.

My other nickname is my Web name - shackman. That one is a natural as I have worked for decades at RadioShack.

I'm fond of a mystery series about a San Francisco based detective called nothing but Bill.  Kudos to Bill Pronzini for keeping that mystery alive for over 40 published works in the nameless Detective series. And the other end of the spectrum - the late Robert B Parker's Spenser series,  Bet ya don't know Spenser's first name.  And his oft times sidekick Hawk - a very aptly named badass sidekick.  And of course many authors publish their works under pen names.

Sports generates some great nicknames.  A few of my faves include Stretch - aka Willie McCovey, the Say Hey Kid - Willie Mays, David "Deacon" Jones - Deacon being one of the greatest pass rushers in NFL history,  the Splendid Splinter - Ted Williams,  Gerry "Cheesy" Cheevers.

Of course entertainers rarely seem to go by their given names.  Take Prince (or whatever he goes by today).

Most people know who Marion Michael Morrison is but can you name:

Allen Konigsberg
Betty Joan Perske
Richard Walter Jenkins
Maurice Micklewhite

Surely you know Woody Allen, Lauren Bacall, Richard Burton and Michael Caine.

Then there are our pets.   Ginger, Cheech and Chong are the names of my dog and 2 cats.  There's nearly always a story behind pets names - I happen to be a huge fan of Cheech & Chong. And if you want to ride in the desert on a horse, how about

Names are fun to discuss.  Of course there can be a serious side to names and the discussion thereof - just not today by me. But what about my LBC cohorts?? Check them out - they're listed over there on the right.....

Kids.

I started out as a child. Some contend I never progressed. In some ways I suspect those folks may be correct. At any rate I am much older now. And wiser. Well - maybe wiser.

Everyone needs a code that they can live by. It falls to the parents to teach their children

Teach but let them develop their own selves at the same time.  And remember - they are sponges and will soak up EVERYTHING you say and do.

When you look back on your life chances are your emotional peaks and valleys more often then not revolved around your kids.

It all seems so simple.  In theory anyway.  The results are out there for all to see. Watch the news. Listen to the music. Read what they write.  Look at the world around you and decide for yourself if we've done a good job.

Check out what the other LBC writers had to say on this subject. They're listed on the right side of the screen.