In this alleged you can do anything you want if you try hard enough world we inhabit, it is time for a bit of rain to fall on your parade. The fact is, as noble as the sentiment is intended to be you simply may not be able to achieve anything you set your mind to. On occasion the obstacles presented may simply be insurmountable or the competition may simply be over your head. There is a point at which you simply must accept the fact that your goal will not be achieved in spite of your best efforts. As long as you have given your best effort there id nothing to be ashamed of. Period. This applies to us all. Acceptance of failure is an important learning opportunity, almost as important as success in any endeavor. Acceptance is the key that unlocks your ability to deal with change.
There is a reason the so-called serenity prayer is such a critical aspect of Alcoholics Anonymous (and the other like groups) - it is the truth. It works.
"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference."
You say you don't believe in God? Well you have to believe in something - even if it is yourself. The statement still works, though it seems to me faith in something bigger than yourself makes life easier.
One of life's greatest challenges is to align what you want with what you need. If you have a clear understanding of what you need then odds are you can understand better how to get there. Dealing with and healing from the negative happenings in life - no matter what they are -requires an understanding of the event and acceptance of the event - be it health related, personal relationship related, career related or anything else. You cannot heal without acceptance. Even if you receive an ultimately fatal diagnosis health wise, you need to accept the fact so that you can live your remaining days as best you can.
I have direct experience with fatal health diagnoses - as most of you know my late wife Lynn died from Huntington's Disease. When we received the diagnosis she essentially got a 10-15 year death sentence. I'd love to say she accepted the diagnosis and lived her life as well as she could. For the first time since I had known her, she simply gave up. The fight had gone put of her. That is partially the result of HD destroying the brain but not entirely. Now our daughter has received the same diagnosis and she is not handling it particularly well. Part of that is my fault as she and I do not get along well at all but she refuses to get a job and contribute to the household which absolutely boosts the stress levels on the rest of us. Plus, she resents the fact that I will not be there for her in the end - given my age and health the next 15 years are likely to be well past my sell by date. She has resented me since we moved to Texas and she stayed with her grandparents so she could finish high school. She was a senior when we moved and simply could not accept the fact that there was a major recession in the SF Bay Area and no jobs in my field. Had she accepted the facts of the situation life may well have been smoother for us all.
Acceptance into a group is also something we all deal with - starting with friends from an early age comes immediately to mind. Think back on all of the cliques in your high school days. Gaining acceptance to a clique was an important part of growing up. In my case the cliques were primarily athletic teams but I do also still have the same core of friends I had in high school. those types of cliques happen in college - think fraternities and sororities. There are also myriad special interest clubs, my first exposure to those being the Science Collection Club in junior high school.We went fossil hunting every weekend and that was pretty unique and great fun. Some of us got into rock and gem collection as well. Acceptance matters as each group you join helps shape your ideas and personality. I became interested in archaeology and for a time considered pursuing it further - until I realized I was mildly claustrophobic - so much for that. No pyramid or grave exploring for me.
Acceptance is not inaction. Inaction is the denial of reality. Acceptance allows you to deal with reality, Take aging as an example. Most of us resist the fact that we are aging - occasionally we deny it at our own peril. Some of us may try to do things that are beyond our physical or mental capabilities. Acceptance of the reality of aging and the changes aging brings to us allows us to live a happier, probably safer life.
Lastly, there is an old saw that says to correct a problem you must first accept the fact that the problem exists. Accept that change is the norm, not the exception and you will be better equipped to respond to and adapt to the changes life throws at you.
I share some of the experiences that you have undergone and was able to accept change as it came primarily because, to start with, it is in my genes and due to my exposure to meditation and spirituality at a fairly young age. Had it not been for these two influences, I perhaps wouldn't be writing this comment today.
ReplyDeleteAcceptance today for me is to accept my physical limitations and live within the constraints that they impose on me. Not a big deal considering that I am blessed with understanding and supportive immediate family and circle of friends who have seen me in my better days. I am grateful for all that I have got which makes it easier for my ability to accept and that makes for a great deal.
I wish that I could come over and spend some time with you sharing our experiences on acceptance. I toyed with the idea of including the serenity prayer which incidentally, is part of my daily prayer and meditation routine, but did not as I had already written an unusually long, for me, post.
A primary difference between us is your exposure to and relationship with spirituality. mine has all come laterin life. I too have accepted my physical limitations and that was a bit more difficult since most of my life revolved around my physic,al abilities and athletic prowess. I also accepted my intellectual limtations long ago and continue to work on improving in that area regularly. And speaking of long posts,mine of late have tended to be longer and longer - something rare for someone as direct as me. Back in the LBC days I did not even check the topic until Friday AM,
ReplyDeletethe serenity prayer is wonderful. whether for alcoholics or not.
ReplyDeletewhen Bob had cancer he was 42 and I was 32. they did the surgery. the surgeon said he "got it all." it returned and 10 months later Bob was gone. he was 43 and I was 33. he and I used to talk about anything and everything. that's what I loved about our life!
but not this time. he just shut down. he didn't blame anyone or deity or anything. he just stopped. I was very lonely. I refused to give up. and in a way I think I cheated us both of a very important time. I fought til the very end. reading everything I could to see what could be done. when it was obvious he was dying. my unwillingness to accept that fact meant that he died alone.
if it were today and now that I've learned a little bit... I would handle it all differently. especially my part in it. and if it should ever happen to me I hope that I will retain my love of life and my sense of humor to the very end. no surgeries for me. just hospice. and hopes that I don't infringe on others' too much!
but then I just gritched and moaned through a simple case of pneumonia. so what do I know? really? oh good grief. LOL.
And now we must accept that the mueller report is in qan it is time to move on.
ReplyDeleteNobody gets out of here alive Tammy - whether it is pneumonia, a runaway bus or sheer boredom LOL. Youare doing just fine IMHO - lOL
This is how I perceive it. We have to recognize there is a problem. Then we have to figure out what the problem is. Then we have to decide how to fix it and if we want to to so. Then we must commit to fixing it. There may well be a lot of trial and error in each of these steps, a degree of acceptance required at various stages. Once we’ve zeroed in on those answers, narrowed everything down to a central focus we can Ideally proceed. Total acceptance and commitment to needed actions have the best hope for succes. Somewhere along the line we may conclude taking action is best not done. I strongly believe the Serenity Prayer is applicable in life well beyond recovery programs.
ReplyDeleteI think dealing with physical body/mind decline, terminal diagnosis must be the ultimate challenge any of us and our loved ones could face. Why people react as they do can be very complicated as I’ve experienced in my own life with a loved one. You certainly have experienced the challenges of trying to figure out all that and now with your daughter.