I used to be a fairly pleasant guy. That is no longer the case as I spend a good deal of my time angry. Very angry. I am extremely bitter that the last 10 years and the remainder of Lynn's life have been stolen from her/us. I am angry we will never have the chance to repair the damage done to our relationship by the evil that is HD. I am particularly angry her grandkids will only remember the raving, violent lunatic that dominates her waking hours lately. They won't remember the doting grandma she was. I am angry that our family - admittedly somewhat dysfunctional in the best of times may be permanently fractured because of HD. I am bitter there is a 50% chance each of our kids may have HD. I'm even more bitter that if either of the kids have HD there's the same 50% liklihood each of our 6 grandkids have HD.
Spare me the "when god closes a door he opens a window" saga. If she/he opened a window for me it was to simply slam it down on my fingers just for giggles. HD is not just a disease like cancer that decimates the body - HD destroys the essence of the individual - and does that early on, leaving a shell of what once was that person. While it may have specifically different impacts on individuals, extreme anger and paranoia seem to be constants along with the destruction of human motor skills. So a once vibrant, attractive gymnast becomes a haggard old crone that screams, swears and yells abusive, vile comments regularly at those with the challenge of caregiving. The caregivers can become angry and disillusioned.
She has no control over her bodily functions and is just as likely to try and kick/hit/bite the individual that tries to change her and clean her up as she is to be passive enough for that basic, necessary task to be accomplished. Nearly every door frame in the house is damaged due to the constant, repeated slamming of the doors. There are door knob holes in every wall where there is a door. They remain unrepaired until we move or her ordeal ends. That is the day she dies. That may not be for another 10 years.
Trust me when I say I understand fully this is just the luck of the draw. I do not believe in any form of divine intervention in this matter. In any way. It's very difficult to think a so-called creator capable of the so-called intelligent design of the universe would spend the time to intelligently/intentionally design something as destructive as HD. Or any of the myriad of fatal conditions/diseases. Especially a so-called loving architect of all that is supposedly good and true. I trust my use of the terms supposedly and so-called expresses my cynicism and sarcasm on the matter sufficiently.
There is a darkness in me only few know or have seen. It is part of my natural makeup, a gift from the male sperm donor of half of my genetic makeup. That so few are aware of it is a testament to my ability to control it and keep it suppressed. Occasionally it bubbles up. This commentary is a minor bubbling. I am not looking for sympathy/pity - I am merely ranting a bit. As I've said - these are my cards, my hand in life and I am playing them to the best of my ability. I'm all in at this point. I just need to vent on occasion.
Check out what the other LBCers have to say on anger. They're listed over there on the right.