When I first saw Ramana's choice for this weeks topic I immediately thought great - I will just find a tube of lipstick, slap some on this pig and be done with it. Then I thought what the hell - I will just be honest and let it all hang out. Please know that I am in no way feeling sorry for myself - I accept full responsibility for everything that has gone on in my 69 years here on the third rock from the sun - good, bad and indifferent.
Truth be told life has not been particularly pleasant for several years. In fact I'd have to say it has sucked. Nothing leaps to mind that qualifies as a reason for being. I have discussed the tale of Lynn's passing and we are now dealing with my daughter Jamie's HD diagnosis. Then of course there is the 50/50 chance each of her three kids has HD. And Sean, my middle thirties aged son refuses to have the diagnostic test as he is afraid it will ruin his attitude for life. And, of course he has two children who may well inherit the disease if he does in fact have it. I can understand his reticence - we all saw Lynn essentially give up and sit around and wait until she as died. Of course there were the bouts of violence directed at Jamie and I - Sean not so much because he was rarely around because of the strained relationship with his sister and girl friend and the fact that Jamie and I do not get along at all for reasons I will not get into here. And the relationship has grown more strained since Jamie's diagnosis as she blames me for everything. Why did we have kids? Why do I not have a large insurance policy to take care of her? Who is going to take care of her? Dysfunction junction - otherwise known as my family - is never a dull moment. The mountains of stress it heaps upon one are immeasurable.
The simple fact of the matter is that a reliable HD test was not devised until the early 1990s. When the entire topic of HD was revealed to us by Lynn's mother, there was nothing reliable. Lynn went through the protocol and was judged HD free. Her mother lied and never mentioned Lynn's father had HD until his brother died from HD many years after Lynn's father passed. It was not until we had been in Texas several years when circumstances arose that led to Lynn's being tested again and this time testing positive for HD. To this day I remember the call from the Dr's office passing on the fact that Lynn's remaining time was limited and a good percentage of it would not be pleasant.
So now Jamie has essentially seen what her life will be like and she resents it. Can't say that I blame her, She appears to be on a similar trajectory to Lynn's - time wise. It is too early to tell if she will have the exact same symptoms as Lynn. That not only stamps Jamie's sell by date on her forehead it does the same with mine - with the caveat I live that long. That is something I highly doubt will happen as I have health issues that will likely prevent my lasting that long.
Then there was the pipe dream, that was a reason to hope for a better outcome. An old friend and I agreed to play the lottery and if one of us won, we'd establish a base in a place called Nevada City, CA and use it as a base for an extended road trip, just hanging out and having a good time. We are great friends, we have known each other about 50 years and thought that would be a great end to things. Silly - I know but like I said, it was something to hope for and laugh about. She has been diagnosed with cancer - a dream crusher. Another reason life sucks.
I cannot count the number of times some well meaning Christian friend posts feel good little sayings about how when god closes a door he opens another one or some such nonsense. My experience shows that god waits until my hand is on the door and then she slams it on me. There must be something about me that just pisses her off but that is fine. It is what it is. And now my favorite baseball player of all time has died. A soul crusher for me. RIP Willie McCovey.
So, you will forgive me if I say at the moment I do not see a reason for being nor will I waste my time looking. I am just gonna lay low and see what happens. The country is in jeopardy because the person we elected President is a self-serving liar, narcissist and amoral sociopath. None of that bodes well for our future. The hatred that permeates our politics shows no hope of letting up. 45 continues to insult our allies and cozy up to authoritarian figures around the world. He is strapping future generations with unmanageable debt.
So, my friends, that is my take on A Reason for Being. Be sure to check Ramana's Musings to see whet he has to say.
Yes, see what you mean by god waiting for your hand to then slam the door shut. I myself am one of those, potentially irritating, people who, in moments of adversity, remind themselves of what ELSE could have gone wrong, and much WORSE at that; say, instead of a broken wrist and smashed fingers, your arm needing amputating. As coping mechanisms go it serves me fine; but usually try not to say it to others (see: irritating).
ReplyDeleteWhen I listen to part of a life story like yours I realize how god damn lucky I have been, am and most likely will be to the end. Touch wood.
Jamie's boots (and yours) I can't imagine to walk in. The stuff nightmares are made of. As you say, she witnessed her mother's decline, knows what she can look "forward" to; worrying about her kids' genetic inheritance the cherry on the already melted icing. That she takes her rage against fate out on you is hardly surprising. Fathers do make good punchbags. And (joke alert) you clearly provide a lot of surface matter. The latter not to be taken literally; in fact, it's a compliment to you, the person I have started to get to know not that long ago but have had enough glimpses of to form an image of your essence.
"A reason for being" - a wonderful subject; the very one philosophers have been chewing on since we first set foot out of the cave and tried to make sense of the sun.
If you asked my reason for being (by which I mean alive rather than non existent) I'd say: There is no reason. I just am. We all are. However, and I may have related this before, the big turning point in my life, when suddenly there was a reason for "being", was my son's birth. It was a game changer. Until then I never once wasted a moment over worrying about anything, particularly not myself. Then I became, relatively late, a mother and what do you know: I made bargains with a God I don't believe in; renewable every few years. I was given grace or maybe my bargaining powers were ace. The Angel is now twenty seven. My "being (alive) not so essential any longer for his wellbeing, his welfare. But, when all is said and done, truth is that my reason for being (or rather, please smile, staying) is solely down to him. Without his existence I'd just shrug my shoulders and say "whatever". The difference between you and me that you have been dealt a not so favourable hand. Where I have it easy, you have a burden to shoulder.
As an aside, yet of considerable interest: Your son's attitude is understandable, depending on what type of person you are; but what of the mother of his children? Does she wish to know, or does she respect his wish and live with uncertainty?
There are so many angles to your post (there always are) we could talk for hours and barely cover the basics.
Affectionately,
Ursula
I cannot say what Lisa - Sean's wife thinks. We are not close and rarely speak, but she is a bright lady. I am sure it is a concern but I have not seen them in a year. They live about 10 miles away. But, they are very happy together.
DeleteYes there is a lot of information lurking in this post. It is the first time I have prattled on like that in quite a while. A quick peak behind the curtain at the guy pulling all of the levers. I appreciate your response.
My reasons for being? Lots of things. As I told Ramana, to enjoy my partner Jenny’s company, to find out what happens next (to my neighbours, to my friends, to the world and its goings-on), to enjoy blogging and Facebook, to enjoy delicious food and wine, to start or finish a good book. There are no big tragedies to make me feel life isn't worth living any more. I'm sorry to hear of all the misfortune in your own family, that's a disheartening bunch of cards to be dealt. And yes, the political stupidity that is gripping the States and the UK (awash with Brexit mania) is utterly depressing. It's hard to see any light at the end of the tunnel.
ReplyDeleteThe whole Brexit issue baffles me.
ReplyDeleteWe have both come to the same conclusion about reason for being but, I have added a philosophical element to the post. Other than that, I have focussed on the present whereas you have related the past to your present and have articulated very well your angst. There is little that anyone can say or do to change the situation you are in except to use the old adage, this too shall pass.
ReplyDeleteLying low and seeing what happens is a perfectly legitimate strategy under the circumstances that both of us find ourselves in albeit in different forms. What you say is exactly what Eastern philosophical systems say too. "Sitting quietly, doing nothing, the river flows and the grass grows by itself." A certain degree of detachment helps.
I wish you all the very best dear friend.
Life has given you undo challenges. I would be foolish to offer you any platitudes, or unwise to think I have any words of wisdom. Your life is what it is. Little value in raking over the what if’s, what cannot be controlled, faulting others. Would that all in the family could get to the point of recognizing that. Easy for me to say, I know. I can say, I certainly hope you’re able to ferret out of your situation whatever might give you some measures of happiness, periods of pleasure — even if only in moments sometimes, or one day at a time, I suppose.
ReplyDeleteMeanwhile, I send you positive thoughts — will continue to appreciate reading what you choose to expound upon or share in your writings. Maybe for you occasionally some humor will emerge in the process, or even hope in unexpected places along the way. Unending topics about which to write, exploring for distraction, if for no other reason.
I think we can, at least, have some positive anticipation for future political developments, but to what degree remains to be seen. Definitely, we are needed to continue our meager efforts to influence our nation’s future, even if it’s nothing more than whatever our votes contribute each Election Day.
My reason for being is simply because I’m here, since entering this world wasn’t exactly my choice. I feel obliged to make the most of my time here while maintaining as positive an outlook as possible, creating happiness for myself and giving pleasure to others using whatever capabilities I may develop. Finding humor, light or dark, maintaining hope to sustain me through life’s vagaries is vital to life’s experience for me. Perhaps my merely being will have contributed in some small way toward making a positive difference that matters for others, thus to this world.